2009-12-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday was a great nite spent with you....I simply loved it! =) Doing things we've always wanted to do, just the two of us....it was beautiful. Everything went smoothly from one to another, a late nite out till morning, just a miss that we didn't get to watch the sunrise..but it's ok, we will sure to get to do it some other time.. =)

It wasn't a lil bit of regret at all, a decision not to go ZoukOut...coz we enjoyed ourselves no matter wat, even better w/o going to ZoukOut...rite?hehehe.. =)

Oh well, now he's busy with his schedule of work n we oni get to meet whenever he can make it...Though it may b a short time, i treasure it all because it's the quality that matters. Just seeing him eases off my missing him.

Today, I'm on MC from werk..woohoo! mls nk g keje actualli...but at the same time, i need to rest because unfortunately, I've been sick for like 5 days oredi and doc says it could be bacteria infection. urgh! luckily it has yet to affect my asthma. just went to the doc yest.....punye la bnyk obat nk kena mkn.....menyiksa btol.

I've been losing appetite to eat, much worse vomiting everything rite after eating. bluek! mum says it's good coz it could one step for me to lose weight...hahah wth.

Now, rest is all I need.....up next, Countdown with you! =)

2009-12-12T00:51:00.000-08:00

It's been a week of me working..It's fun so far doing the job, it's manageable..in fact, two of the days are 'gaji buta' day...hahah. My senior manager was on MC n I had nothing to do all day...

The only think suffering are my eyes, having to do work on laptop the whole day...N also having to wake up early in the morning...My body clock has yet to get used to it....No matter how early or late I sleep, I still feel sleepy...

Today, my parents just went off a few hours ago to the airport...they going Bangkok for a holiday...N N my twin went to Malacca for an attachment the previous Monday which I just found out that he's only coming back on the 23rd Dec...Dammit!! lama or wat....got to say, I miss him..

Now, I miss my parents already..Being all alone at home for days.... =(

Definitely boredom will strike me sooner or later...Just hope tonight's plan will go on as planned..can't wait for it.. =)

PS: I'm missing you...

2009-11-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

Alhamdullilah u r fine, everything went on well....Right now, rest well ok? Hope u feel better soon. =)

I've been waiting for confirmation call from SSC. urgh! It's taking a VERY long time. They say they'll call but still none from them. I hope I do really get the job. At least I have some work to do before finding a permanent one.

Plus I need money to 'maintain' myself..hahah. =) I really hope to get a getaway soon, anywhere with YOU n bestie. Plans, plans and plans....let's get it confirmed! hahah. =)

My days have been good, though there are ups and downs. Things are getting better and I hope it stays that way or even get better, never worse. *Bukan saya tk bersyukur, tapi tk salah kn kalau saya nk yang lebih baik???* *winks*

My eyebags are getting waaayyy bad. urgh! My body clock is bad, I keep waking up late n sleep late. If I were to start work at short notice, gosh! My eyes and body will suffer definitely. hahah.

I've been watching late night movies with You & bestie and friends (at last minute notice). It was simply great! 2012, Ninja Assasin, New Moon n definitely more coming up! =))

New Moon was WOW even though I noe no shit abt it actualli.....the guy....in the movie as Jacob....ooooooohhhhhhhhh sooooooo HOT!!! SERIOUS SHIT HOTNESS!!!! hahahah..his body....makes me....hahahha... At last an actor whom he can never quarrel with me abt the hotness-level. hehehe =)

Oh N N i've a new addiction of drink at Starbucks. Sedap giler dok! Toffe Nut Blended Cream. YUM!!!! while stocks last!!! oni for christmas period.hahah.

n n my leg's hurting...there's like a hump at my shin bone. it hurts bad. Hope no defects.

Oh well, gonna have a movie marathon..

PS: Wishing I'm by your side, You by mine....Side By Side....I Miss You. =)

October...

2009-10-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

It’s been some time since I last updated and a lot has happened.

I’m feeling so tired n sick right now. I feel so helpless. My sleeping time has been a cock-up for the past few weeks n I don’t feel so good.

Migraine

Backache

Stiff neck

Swollen gum (wisdom tooth)

Sore throat

Anytime soon, I may have fever. Just how worse can my condition be??!! urgh! It really sucks big time now with all these and having to put up with my mum’s attitude. Dammit!

I’m working on my resume now and starting to look out for jobs. I really need to get a job soon. I need money for my expenses n fill my time. I can’t last at home much longer.

I feel VERY tired lately n all I think of is naps. I wonder how my other friends are doing with work, school n practices. I hope they are doing just fine.

Saturday slept over at my sis house coz sunday ade majlis cukor rambut for Rayn. I slept at 4am and woke up at 9am! It’s very tiring. N the BIG n WORST news I heard yesterday was about my grandfather. I was shocked when I saw him. I was like, “Oh my God Atok, what happened to you??”

Well, he fell. He was known roaming around (which he claimed he was looking for shop) around my sis house n fell. His face, alamak…I cried seeing him in this state now. His ‘gigi palsu’ broke and he had to get 3 stitches on his lips, which are swollen. OMG!!! Imagine how painful it is. Luckily someone found him and called my aunt.

He even helped my grandfather cleaned his wounds while waiting for my brothers to arrive. I really hope the guy is blessed with goodness in his life. Gosh! How I wish I was there when that happened. At least, I know I was there for Atok when he needed me. I really hope he gets well soon. I can’t afford to lose another loved one after my late grandmother. I’m not ready for a loss. Please. Atok, huda saying atok…..

You know what, life is really scary. I mean yes, enjoy life while you can. But how much can you enjoy. You can’t simply enjoy without bothering about other things. It’s like one I’m facing now. Seriously, I’m not ready to get to the working life. It scares me.

I still would want to hang on to my life now; but I got no choice. Life has to move and not remain stagnant. It’s scary, but I got to do it sooner or later. What’s scaring me the most, is being lonely. I don’t mind being lonely; sometimes everyone just needs time to be alone.

What I mean is, how long will loneliness surround me?? Me being at home, doesn’t help anything. My dad is always busy with work day and night. I even didn’t see him for a few days and hell yes, I do miss him. The very one who use to pamper me a lot before he got caught up with work, who understands me the most, I shall say.

Twin is always busy. Dammit! It’s either school, work, or practical lessons. N when he’s edgy after anything, he lets it out on me when I’m home. Shit sia….N mum, urgh no comments. I never get along with her. I dunno why but she seems to not favour me a lot of all my siblings.

My sister n brother are both busy with their own family. With Rayn and Alysha….n a newborn coming soon. Haizzz….. Whenever I’m out and back home late, my mum starts nagging non-stop. What else can I do now but fill my time with friends during trainings?

It makes me think. What the hell am I going to do with my life? Yes I have plans, n I think now I shall work towards it slowly..hopefully it pays off. Insya’allah.

I’m afraid of drowning in life. Drowned in; feelings, sorrows, loneliness, anger, sadness, happiness, wealth, poverty. Too much to think of. It’s not something I would like to imagine about.

Quite a few times in life so far I’ve drowned, n it hurts. Badly! I don’t wish to be in that state again. It’s not that easy to to get up. It wasn’t easy for me to get back on my feet. It sure did takes time n maybe time is still what I need. I need to get used to the way life changes.

Change is inevitable. Everyone has to go through it no matter how hard it is. The only difference is how one looks at the change. Good or bad. Oh well, right now, no more slacking for me. I need to find some things to do. It’s killing me being at home the whole day, becoming a potato couch.hahah. =)

"If you don’t try, all you do is wonder why."

PS: I miss those times. I miss you. I appreciate you being being there for me when I needed you. Thank you.

Selamat Hari Raya... =)

2009-09-21T08:16:00.001-07:00

Raya this year is very2 tiring, especially having Alysha wit my family for visiting. Not really in the mood for raya actually, but it was fun though having to meet-up with my family.

As usual, every house has almost the same dishes. In fact, I think all dishes are the same except for the taste.haha. N not forgetting, the dishes are sooo OILY!!! I didn't eat much coz of the oil. *jaga badan ah..hahahha*

It's been only 2 days of raya n my tummy feels like bursting..penat mkn..hahah. N now, I'm starting to feel like having diarrhoea. Haish...Hope no diarrhoea..

Tml is Selatra outing to swensens ice-cream buffet and at the same time, my parents wanna jln raya..ooohh dilemma! I dunno which to choose. hmmmm... =((

n oh,

Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin kepada semua... =)

A festival nearing...

2009-09-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

Raya is sooo nearing without me realizing it until I hear people saying..."Eh!next week raya la sey...." hahaha. Hmmm, this Ramadhan has been a smooth one for me, I think. Things happen, good and bad. I roughly know what to believe in and what not to. I guess it's a 'petunjuk' dari Allah. =)

Oh well, last Sat went for ROW (Ramadhan on wheels) at ITE Simei. It sucks big time I gotta say. haha. major cock-up! Most Selatrans should know why...We were soo bored that we left early n headed to expo. Plan2 nk rest in air-conditioned place, last2....sume tdo. hahah.

What to do, we were very2 tired and sleepy. So yeah. We chatted awhile before heading to Simpang Bedok for break fast. Not ALL was there as said, but yeah, I had fun with those who were there. N we enjoyed 'story-telling' by Fir n Twinkie.hahaha. =)

Went to Tamp1 and played cards plus bubble tea. YumYum! Overall, I enjoyed my day with the companion of the fellow Selatrans who were there. They made my day! =)

I hope the last few days of fasting would be a great one. I need to lose weight.hahha. I've been listening lots of Raya songs on the radio. Awaiting the takbir raya, something which makes me cry every year without fail, remembering a loved one.

As for now, my life has been ok. I've been taking one step at a time. Alhamdullilah I'm coping well. Guess after raya, I gotta start job hunting. Now, all I do is pray and hope that I could graduate. That would be one burden off my mind.

Shahizwan told me to focus on looking out for jobs. Don't think too much of 'that' thing. haha. Hmmmm...gotta get focused huh?? I will try bro, coz 'that' thing makes me smile.. =) I will try hard, coz I don't wanna fall again. It hurts.

Yes true, there's a saying; "It's not about how many times you fall, but how many times you get up." I'll stick to that. =) Gd nite all.

Lifeee

2009-09-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, you can never know what is there for you. There are always questions left unanswered. No matter how many 'Whys' you ask, you can hardly get the answer. Is that just how life is supposed to be or is it because we didn't try hard enough to get the answers? Hmmm...that's a question to ponder on.

It is always said that in life, there's no right or wrong decision. It's all about how one carry out their decisions. But how in life can we avoid regretting our decisions? You never know if it's a correct move until the time comes. If only there's a way....if only....

Rite now, I'm trying my best to get on with life, taking one step at a time. Go with the flow, but I just hope I don't face much detours/blocks in life...I never want to be hurt or hurt again. It's just a painful process.

Taking life in hand, like what Nina says, "in life, you are always given the worst before you get the best".

But still, shit happens. You never know when shit is coming your way. It always comes when you least expect it. Nevertheless, we still gotta face it. Be strong ppl. "If you want the rainbow, you git to put up with the rain". =)

Oh yes, last Sunday was Selatra Iftar at Nina's house. It was great, a birthday surprise for Fir's birthday too. It was soo kecoh but fun. After that, headed to Geylang and at last I got to buy dendeng ayam. Yummy yummy! =)

Looking forward to this saturday. I miss u guys; Atiqah & Shahizwan. =) Hope the plan work out so we can meet to buka puasa together. It's been some time since we last met.

N oh ya, presenting Rayn Aqasha...

penat laa.....

2009-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Just what else is going to happen in my life?? ADUUHHH!!! aku da penat la... one after another sey...I don't see all these as surprises, but shocks! Just who am I in your life? Am I even needed? Sometimes I sit and ponder, why all this has to happen? Why now?

I seriously don't know what to say...I'm lost for words to say to you...I just feel like running away from life...I feel like giving up...Do you even know that? I try to hold on, but you are just drifting away, too focused on your 'mission'. haizz....

I'm trying very hard to hold on to life. I pray I don't breakdown. Please...

Too much happening against my willing-ness, I want a get-away. But how to?? I really need to make time for Silat for me let out my feelings to the paddings. urgh! At times, I'm just tempted to do what I use to, but I keep strong to my stand.

Hopefully, all I can do is just hope things will get better.

Tomorrow is the big day...Sis will be discharged and Rayn Aqasha is coming home.. =) Dated 28th Auguust at 12.11 noon, Rayn Aqasha was born. My first nephew. sssoooo cute with his double chin. =)

Now, I'm still left unable to sleep. Yet Again! Ouh...I realy wish for a good night sleep..It's been some time since I had one. sleep sleep sleep...i need my sleep.

Selamat Berpuasa.

2009-08-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last updated..Have been busy with lots of things. Yesterday marks my last day in school as an RP student. I hope it's going to be official this time. I'm praying hard that I can graduate and that my GPA will increase.

3 UTs back-to-back from Wednesday to Friday. HRIS was manageable, Forensics was difficult, and Sales was manageable. Though there were problems occurred, I hope I pass all my UTs to pull up my GPA. I want and need to graduate.

About my future, I'm still considering between working or going on for degree. Right now, I have the intention to go for degree for the best of my future, but I've yet to start surveying on the local universities. Perhaps, I'll take a break for now since it's fasting month and I need to help out my sis in taking care of her newborn soon.

Lately, lots have been going through my mind. Be it my future, my present or my past. I don't know why but these thoughts are affecting me, especially my present. I can't believe what is happening has happened.

Never did I expect this to happen to me. Much more, from someone I put my trust to. Right now, I got to admit I feel hurt, sad, angry and dissappointed. I wish all that I heard were from you guys, but instead I heard from another's mouth. It just hurts me badly.

If only I could express it, only Gods knows how I feel deep inside. Why does this has to happen to me? What wrong did I do? Being selfish? Dependent? Clingy?

Firstly, it never was my intention to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally or unintentionally. I never wanted this to happen. I never make use of my friends to my own advantage. NEVER! If you think so, I guess you do not know me well enough yet.

To me, friends are there for you in times of need and happiness. One true friend is one that is by your side during your ups and downs in life with not even a question in doubt. I've tried my best in being a good friend, that's just me. Perhaps I'm just not good enough to even be called a friend.

I really hope you guys out there think deeply and clearly what has happen, why it happened and how it happened. PLEASE.

I have not been sleeping well lately due to these thoughts in my mind. I'm mentally tired and emotionally hurt by all these. This challenge is too much for me to handle. Someone said to me, God gives us challenges in life because HE believes we are strong enough to overcome it.

But please God, I don't think I'm strong enough to face all this. I don't know, maybe time will tell. Nevertheless, I won't stop trying and hope for the better.

I really wish things would settle down. Right now, I'll just focus on planning on my future. I'll take a step at a time. I wouldn't want to fall down hard.

With all that stress, I shared with my dear true friends. I needed to let out. They gave me advises and encouraged me to keep strong in going through the problem. Thanks korang. Aku sayang sangat ngn korang. I will try to follow the advises given.

Without them, I don't know what will be of me. Our friendship is something I will treasure for the rest of my life. We have always been there for each other in times of need and happiness. =)
Pics will upload in the next post k?

And to my Rainbow, I'll always be by your side. I love you. =)

To all, Selamat Berpuasa.

Fireworkss!!! =)

2009-08-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Fireworks was what most people look forward to for the night; including me. =) Plans and plans, but none work out because not sure of it. haha. So, me n Nina decided to go on a double date.

Lucky for me, Rainbow didn't work yesterday..yeay me!!hehe =) He came to fetch me from home and we headed to Bedok to meet up with Nina n Fir. Took bus 7 to City Hall, walked to Marina Square.

The crowd there was CRAZY!!! We knew we won't get a good spot outside the mall, so we went to the openspace upstairs. Met up with Nadhir, Karl n Izyan. They were late!And they were blaming each other for the cause of being late. haha.

The view was great. Fireworks was superb!!Especially having Rainbow by my side...Only God knows how happy I was to be able to have that moment with him. Mcm romantic gitu kan..hehehe =)

Oh well, den we went mkn, n sat at Esplanade listening to the live band there. A good ambience I should say. And there was where I found out something I never knew about my friends..hahah. Oh well, I'll keep to myself as promised.. =)

Rainbow sent me home! I had a great time spent with him. I enjoyed my nite with him to the fullest!!!He made my day. I smiled, laughed thanks to him. He just know how to make me happy. I love u syg...

N rite now, I'm missing him sooo much! The thought of him is always on my mind. This is normal, isn't it? hahaha. I miss u soo much my love!! How I wish I can spend every single moment of my life with you.. =)

PS: I'm sorry for what happened. Pls give me a chance to explain myself..I never want this to happen. pls..I love u soo much. I never want to lose you.

Happy 1 month!! =)

2009-08-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

It's a month!!! Time passes very fast yeah? But too bad, I didn't get to meet him. =( He needed to attend to some things. But nevertheless, he's still in my heart. =)

Happy One Month Rainbow! I love you soo much. N I miss u lots! =)

Will it b now and forever???

2009-07-26T22:36:00.000-07:00

Right now, I have mixed feelings and thoughts surrounding me. I'm not sure still the cause of it, but yeah. It's kept me thinking a lot. Maybe it's just me. I don't know why but I have a difficulty voicing out. All I can do, is just turn to my close friends.

I'll just try to hold on tight. Never in my intention to hurt anyone. I'm sorry if I do.

N yes, it's a few more days to my one month with my Rainbow.. =) How time flies... Hope we are able to spend time together.. I miss you lots! =)

N to my dearest SBFF, be strong k? I'm sure everything happens for a reason. He's going to Taiwan, but look on the bright side...u still have me! =) I'll be his substitute k??hahahah.

I'm sure you can handle it. Though you both will definitely miss each other LOTS, that will only make the love stronger.. N Zul, take care ok? About SBFF, I'll take care of her. Don't worry. *chey mcm paham lak aku ni* hahah. =)

Be strong my Dear..like this ant..hahaha

N my Dear Rainbow...I've not said this to you for some time...

Surprise surprise...

2009-07-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

Fireworks was fabulous! I love especially the heart-shapes fireworks..so sweet! Imagine watching the fireworks when it's raining??Heavily mind you..hahaha.

Those who were there were all wet. Some went to the shelter to watch while me and some went up the stairs to have a better view. It was totally awesome!

us waiting for the rain to stop..

But...with all that...i turned around, seeing the couples together; Nina & Fir, Moon & Zul; Su & Raihan....I thought of my Rainbow.. =(

He wasn't there with me..how sad. I really wished he was there by my side... Unfortunately, he had to work..so it's ok. That's more important..

And lucky for me, I met Rainbow yesterday.. =) I was all smiley and excited in meeting him. Pity him, got lost for a while..hehehe. pardon me for being bad at giving directions.. Luckily he managed to find his way.

So I met him nearby the library, just to know..he came with a surprise..It was soo sweet of him. It was totally unexpected.

Sitting at the beach was a splendid time spent with you! We sure had a great time together. And...I opened my gift..guess what it was...??

the wrapper...cute kn?? =)

Rainbow Bear!!! =)

Me & Rainbow.. =)

He bought this specially to make up for not being with me during the fireworks & so that I could sleep with it, thinking of him...aaawww soo sweet of him to think of that. You never fail to be in my mind, and will always be n my heart. I Love You! =)

Happily Smiling..

2009-07-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in such a short period of time. Be it good or bad, I'm sure these things happen for a reason. =)

I'm glad I'm over the rough patch of life that occurred. With help of close friends, I managed to pull myself back up, standing with both my feet on the ground. SBFF says she's happy seeing me smile widely everyday, often; as compared to before. Yes, I've been smiling and laughing a lot. =)

I'm happy I made the right decision and go all out on it. I'm totally over everything especially now that I’ve met my Rainbow. =)

Special thanks to SBFF, Rainbow and Atiqah for always being there for me when I’m really in need. I really appreciate it lots. Love you all many2!

Now that everything is settled, I hope Selatra will be back as we used to. Please no more misunderstandings ok? Hehe. Insya’allah boleh. I believe we can; we always do. Since now training has been delayed due to H1N1, we should have more meet ups ya guys? Lots of catching up is needed. =)

And oh now, I’m missing my rainbow. =( Heard his voice in the morning. Now, he’s resting for work later at night. But on the bright side, yeah2 I’m going to watch the fireworks tonight with some Selatrans. *How I wish Rainbow would be with me tonight..*

Oh well, I’ll just update some latest pictures yeah?? Yesterday I was somehow a ‘photographer’ for SBFF and Zul. Hahah. Quite a well job done huda! Hehe. =)

Zul wearing the headphones..

SBFF stress...hahha *scared Zul won't like the video*

Watching the video together...

A dedication from SBFF..it was sweet!

Don't they just look sweet together?? aaaww...!! =)

Cam-whoring in the sch toilet..hahaha

Me & Dear Farah Sparrow =)

Me & Nina ku sayang *beyonce* =)

A web-cam session wit MoonSBFF!!

MonnSBFF!! =)

And not forgetting...my Rainbow!
he's afraid of flash form the camera..hahah.
I don't know y... =)

Tick, Tick, Tock.....

2009-06-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

At last my updates, forcing my fingers to type this words as boredom in class kills. Anyways, I just need to express myself. It's been long since it's kept within myself. =)

IVP is over! RP was just a GOLD medal away from being in the 2nd overall championship. Yeap shucks we didn't get the position. But it's alright ey.. =) We've done our best this year and the bond matters more. There's always next yr. As for my Regu, tkde rezeki. =) It's ok. We take it in our stride and will do better next time.

Last day of IVP was the start of disaster for me. Menses was on the way and so was fever. HIGH FEVER! headed to the doctor with his company; suffered from a high fever of 39.4 degrees, nose infection & throat infection.

What was worse, I had trouble walking. I dunno why but it hurts damn bad with every step I take. Tears flowing but I just had to keep myself as strong as I can. Being at home three days, 1st two days stuck in bed, out only to eat medicine and of course bathe. hahah =)

This was the very first time I felt VERY weak and helpless. Sooo much appetite loss and so does the weight. haha. Now just slowly recovering my energy back and getting well fully.

Hmmm, today I was feeling tired and sleepy due to yesterday's sudden trip to Johor early morning. I looked forward to class though and it turned out well. Thankfully. =) However.....why did something had to happen??WHY?

That sudden reaction 'killed' me. I couldn't believe my own reaction and feelings. Goodness!!!I thought I'm okay already, but it seems like I'm not! I'm shocked man. I can't believe myself. How could this be? What have I NOT been doing??

Atiqah says to forget. Do something to distract myself from it. Nina says, it's gonna take a long time. 3 months is not enough to take over 6 years. Hmm, but how much longer Nina??

Much thought pondering on right now...I thought I've found myself and my path..but it looks like not. More searching to do.

It's like I feel such a lost girl looking around in the dark, searching for the unknown. What I'm looking for and Why am I looking for it?? It could be I'm searching for myself. Where am I? Is this really me now?

Why do I feel different? Is it a natural process in life when this happens? Perhaps. People say, go with the flow. Yes, I am. That's the best thing I can do now. I just hope I don't run away from reality. I don't wish to.

Be Strong..

2009-05-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

It's been tiring. Yesterday headed down to NTU for IVP registration. I was LATE! DAMN LATE! Was supposed to report at Pioneer MRT station @ 9am but I woke up @ 8 30am. Bloody Alarm clock didn't ring.urgh!

Luckily I managed to be there on time. Thanks to Naz who fetched me from Pioneer MRT station. Just as I reached Pioneer, it rained. GOSH! Imagine the cold I felt riding the bike. I was all wet. *shivers* haha =)

After registration, had Macdonald's. It was a yum yum! haha. Imangine me having a McSpicy meal upsized for only $5.50?? woohoo! =D

Headed to Jalan Besar CC to support Captain Farah Sparrow fighting and of coz she won! haha. And yes, I saw a cute guy. CUTE BANGET! haha =) Oni su noes who..heheh

Went for training (but I didn't train). I had a chat alone with Cik Mail n Cik Salmah about IVP. Lots were talked about. Ade je benda yang tk kena biler comp da nk dekat. ish!

Oh well, wadeva it is, we Selatrans are going to do our VERY BEST and overcome all the odds to do Selatra n our instructors proud! =) IVP is this coming weekend. Have yet to find out the schedule. More training and touch-up needed for regu. Hope we win GOLD. Hope the team wins medals, GOLD if can. Insya'allah. =) Amin.

And to you, I do miss you. I hope you take good care of yourself and drive carefully k? I've been thinking...Never once my mind is at rest, even at sleep. I've heard the song you asked me to listen to; "Hanya Satu Persinnggahan". It's nice...but the meaning of the song?? Are you trying to point out something to me? hmm...I dunno.

Oh well, I'll just go with the flow on how my life is moving. I guess that's the best thing to do right now. =)

And lastly, a quote I found:

"Having a dreams if what that keeps us alive. Overcoming the odds is what that makes life worth living."

Trying To Hold On.

2009-05-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

It's been hard for me these days, and it still is. I might appear well and fine but I'm not. Only God knows how I am and have been. Talking things out helps out a lot but still why are we like this?

All I can ever do is just wonder and think deeply where and what are the 'errors' that happened the past 6 years. It wasn't a simple story how we ended up falling in love with each other. I can surely say there were lots of sweet memories I hold with you which I will never forget. They will always be in my heart. I hope it will too for you. =)

Having things to end this way is a sure thing hard to accept. But there's nothing I can do. Asking for advices and opinions is the furthest my friends can help me with. Other than that, I'm all on my own.

It's hurting me rite now about us. In malay I would say, 'Aku da btol2 pasrah ni.' I'm in the situation whereby I dunno what else to do on my part. I tried but it only seems to make things worse. I guess I just have to do nothing, maybe that's the best choice.

Am I acting this way because I feel lost? Am I still searching for myself? Maybe...Maybe I could be...

Rite now, I'm standing on a VERY THIN line between yes or no. To give up or not? To do anything or not? I still can't make up my mind. I'm just standing there on the line, waiting for time to reveal its answer.

And to You, I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings all these years. It was never my intention to do that and I hope you understand. I know I've been such a bad companion for us to end up this way. Perhaps it's because of me that you become like this. I'm sorry.

I have my flaws and so do you. We accepted each other nevertheless. I thank you for loving me for whom I am. Thank You.

From deep in my heart, I apologise if I made u feel uncomfortable or got the worong idea of me. Since its just friends you want us to be, I will respect your decision. Maybe there's no fate for us to be together back now. I just wish you won't forget me because I won't. =)

Perhaps now, communication between is is rough. I might be acting harshly but I have my reasons. Trust me. It’s just hard for me. If I do something, it’s wrong. If I don’t, it’s also wrong. Haizz…

Rite now, I’m just soo lost. I feel like crying my heart out but tears to no avail. So how? Just cry lonely in my heart. I hope this ‘high’ tide will pass soon because I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

Lastly, something you wrote for my years ago, which I still keep in heart n memory.

From you to me:

The widest of ocean is not able hide me from my sorrows

It’s not even enough to cover my face

From the shame and the embarrassments

It’s just unbearable to hold

To lift the burden on my shoulders

You have once entered my life,

Bringing happiness and contentment to my life

I felt as if the gates of heaven open its door

Just for the both of us

Sadly it did not last,

What that seemed to be the happy ending to a fairy tale

Ended abruptly without sirens to warned

I never have blamed you for what happened

From that moment I already realized that thunderstorm

Was cause by the lightning that I brought in,

It struck your heart till it broke into pieces

I could feel the deep bleeding from my fall

I kept thinking will it heal in time?

Bleeding that was inflicted by me

It’s not as simple to just apply medication

Its need to be treated by love

I really wished that I could earn it back from you

But it seems that I am just incompetent

Things are much wrinkled between us right now

I really hope we could iron them out

Specially crafted from:

Feroz

oooo I feel sooo weak....

2009-05-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

It just won't stop flowing...It just won't stop hurting...

It just won't! =(

Urgh! It hurts especially the bad cramps. And the uncomfortable feeling I get all the time it flows, EEEWWW!!!! hahah.

And now there are some of the Selatrans who encourage me not to train but I want to...I need to lose weight. But how in this condition?? Should I or should I not train?? I've already brought all my things with me. =(

Ouh, I wish you are here by my side. I need you.

Losing myself...

2009-05-16T10:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a rather rough patch between us. Things crop up and problems occur. Not to deny, we talked it out. I'm glad we had that very intense heart-to-heart talk. It helped. Since it's been decided this is how we thought would be best for us, we'll try to work it out and see how it works for us. Just being friends. Just friends.

Yes, I admit it's hard but I just have to be strong to face this. Both of us need some time to think. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, losing a part of me. You have always been my pillar of strength for the past 6 years. I'm glad you are still willing to be that pillar of strength for me when I need you. Thank You. =)

And yes, I'm happy we are going through this together. I feel much better being able to once and for all let out my feelings, saying; "I LOVE YOU." hearing it from him was soothing too. For the last time, maybe.Only time will tell.

I hope that I will be strong mentally and emotionally to face this crisis in my life. I hope the same for him too.

Ya Allah, berilah kami petunjuk. Kuatkanlah semangat kami dan tabahkan la hati kami dalam menghadapi masalah kami ini. Amin.

Regu is doing ok now, needs lots of work to be done I should say. Timing, co-ordination and finalization of steps. 3 more weeks to IVP. Hopefully we can make the best out of it and bring back GOLD for Selatra this year. Insya'allah. Amin.

And yes, I lost weight again!!=) We made a bet. heheh. If he can make me lose weight to 50kg by IVP, I'll buy him jelly beans no matter the price *if I can afford what he wants la*.

Oooohh I hope I do lose weight to 50kg by IVP. For my health*asthma*, regu *need to wear tudong* and just for the sake of losing weight *I wanna look nice*. =)

So yeah, pray for me ya. 50kg here I come! =D heheh. Inysa'allah boleh. Amin.

Pleasee...hurt me no more.

2009-05-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

Having the one-to-one talk with you was a relieve. It did help in our communication but will it withstand for long? I'm happy we had the talk because I was finally able to let out to you how I felt and at the same time know how you felt about what was going on too... I thank you for willing to talk to me. I appreciate it. I really do.

But.....

why this now?A mistake and you claim of regrets? R u sure u regretted it? I can't sleep last night just pondering on things going through my mind. I think I just have too much on my mind that it's affecting my life.

Why do you have to do all this? What are you trying to prove? What do you get out of it? You claim it's never your intention to hurt me. But the fact is, you did. You hurt me badly deep. You are just so contradicting in your words.

For 2 months I've been trying to figure out but it seems I don't see you. I don't recognize you. Who are you? Where's the guy I used to know? Is it the real you now? If it is, I'm utterly disappointed.

Know why? It shows I don't you inside out even after close to 6 years...It hurts me seeing us in this state. Am I the cause of you acting like this? I'm trying so hard to forget you.

Time is all it takes; that's what people always say to me. but how long can I hold out? Frankly, you can always see me with a string front. but do you know, I'm not strong enough to face all this by myself.

Why is it so difficult? It came to me....our relationship was the first time I was ever so serious in a relationship. You are my first love. yes you are. You may say you care but words are just words.

I'm deeply hurt and affected emotionally and physically. I don't know how much longer can I stand all this.

I'm

slowly

breaking

down....

Sorry.

2009-05-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

Tuesday's sparring session was painful for me..hahah. i got kick on my back n punched on my face. Twice! hahah =) But it's ok la. well, it's part n parcel of sparring. haha. *mcm paham je aku ni* At least I got all my contacts in; my kicks n punches. Ok la for not participating in 'tanding' for a long time oredi...rite?hehe.

Anyways, lately I've not had good days going on for me..Lots of ups and downs faced. I'm lucky I have SBFF to talk to. Thank You my Dear. =D Yesterday was quite an awful day. Misunderstandings occurred. Damn! And today...Happy Mother's Day mum!Even though I enjoyed myself with my family, something bad had to happen. Not to me, but someone I care for.

And here I am pouring out my feelings to SBFF & Azmi.

I'm so sorry for being able to be there by your side at this time. I really am. How I wish I'm by your side because I know you really need me now....I'm such a bad friend ain't I? I'm so sorry my dear friend. Banyak bersabar ok? I will always pray for you. Please...If you need someone to turn to, I'm always here for you. =)

I just hope everything goes well tomorrow. Ya Allah, jauhi lah teman ku dari segala kesedihan dan kuatkan lah semangatnya untuk melalui masa2 sebigini. Amin.

P.S.

A Fresh Start.

2009-05-04T00:02:00.001-07:00

It's a new & fresh start for me now...It's been close to 2 months and I've been doing good, slowly taking my time to get over things because it's not as simple as it seems. I thank & appreciate my friends who have always been there for me with all the helpful advice and encouragement; thank you my friends! =)

Life is definitely filled with ups and downs. I'll just have to live it the way it is. Go with the flow..hahaha. Making choices on my own.

N oh ya, I just got to know recently that someone else has the same horoscope with me other than my twin. It's Su!!hahaha..got to know while buying bubble tea and the cover was the horoscope SCORPIO...=)

Went to Bugis with some Selatrans after training on Saturday..had my one n only meal for the day at Zam2 and yet I didn't finish it.haha. We headed to the new mall n the arcade looks fun, some different from the other arcades.

We tried catching a bucket of maltesers, spending only $6 for it..and guess what??we got it!!!the girls we were soo happy while the guys called us "freaks"...hahah. what do you expect of girls when it comes to chocolate? A bucket of maltesers mind you..a bucket! =D

Oh well, now I'm all lethargic with no sufficient rest from all the activities I've had. Back problems is occurring again and it hurts damn bad even when sleeping. gosh! I hope it goes away soon so I can train hard and go all out for upcoming training.

But still, I had long runs...hahah but urgh! I gotta lose weight...

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