It's been hard for me these days, and it still is. I might appear well and fine but I'm not. Only God knows how I am and have been. Talking things out helps out a lot but still why are we like this?

All I can ever do is just wonder and think deeply where and what are the 'errors' that happened the past 6 years. It wasn't a simple story how we ended up falling in love with each other. I can surely say there were lots of sweet memories I hold with you which I will never forget. They will always be in my heart. I hope it will too for you. =)

Having things to end this way is a sure thing hard to accept. But there's nothing I can do. Asking for advices and opinions is the furthest my friends can help me with. Other than that, I'm all on my own.

It's hurting me rite now about us. In malay I would say, 'Aku da btol2 pasrah ni.' I'm in the situation whereby I dunno what else to do on my part. I tried but it only seems to make things worse. I guess I just have to do nothing, maybe that's the best choice.

Am I acting this way because I feel lost? Am I still searching for myself? Maybe...Maybe I could be...

Rite now, I'm standing on a VERY THIN line between yes or no. To give up or not? To do anything or not? I still can't make up my mind. I'm just standing there on the line, waiting for time to reveal its answer.

And to You, I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings all these years. It was never my intention to do that and I hope you understand. I know I've been such a bad companion for us to end up this way. Perhaps it's because of me that you become like this. I'm sorry.

I have my flaws and so do you. We accepted each other nevertheless. I thank you for loving me for whom I am. Thank You.

From deep in my heart, I apologise if I made u feel uncomfortable or got the worong idea of me. Since its just friends you want us to be, I will respect your decision. Maybe there's no fate for us to be together back now. I just wish you won't forget me because I won't. =)

Perhaps now, communication between is is rough. I might be acting harshly but I have my reasons. Trust me. It’s just hard for me. If I do something, it’s wrong. If I don’t, it’s also wrong. Haizz…

Rite now, I’m just soo lost. I feel like crying my heart out but tears to no avail. So how? Just cry lonely in my heart. I hope this ‘high’ tide will pass soon because I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

Lastly, something you wrote for my years ago, which I still keep in heart n memory.

From you to me:

The widest of ocean is not able hide me from my sorrows

It’s not even enough to cover my face

From the shame and the embarrassments

It’s just unbearable to hold

To lift the burden on my shoulders

You have once entered my life,

Bringing happiness and contentment to my life

I felt as if the gates of heaven open its door

Just for the both of us

Sadly it did not last,

What that seemed to be the happy ending to a fairy tale

Ended abruptly without sirens to warned

I never have blamed you for what happened

From that moment I already realized that thunderstorm

Was cause by the lightning that I brought in,

It struck your heart till it broke into pieces

I could feel the deep bleeding from my fall

I kept thinking will it heal in time?

Bleeding that was inflicted by me

It’s not as simple to just apply medication

Its need to be treated by love

I really wished that I could earn it back from you

But it seems that I am just incompetent

Things are much wrinkled between us right now

I really hope we could iron them out

Specially crafted from:

Feroz

Just[YOU&ME]

oooo I feel sooo weak....

It just won't stop flowing...It just won't stop hurting...

It just won't! =(

Urgh! It hurts especially the bad cramps. And the uncomfortable feeling I get all the time it flows, EEEWWW!!!! hahah.

And now there are some of the Selatrans who encourage me not to train but I want to...I need to lose weight. But how in this condition?? Should I or should I not train?? I've already brought all my things with me. =(

Ouh, I wish you are here by my side. I need you.

Just[YOU&ME]

Saturday, May 16, 2009
Losing myself...

It's been a rather rough patch between us. Things crop up and problems occur. Not to deny, we talked it out. I'm glad we had that very intense heart-to-heart talk. It helped. Since it's been decided this is how we thought would be best for us, we'll try to work it out and see how it works for us. Just being friends. Just friends.

Yes, I admit it's hard but I just have to be strong to face this. Both of us need some time to think. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, losing a part of me. You have always been my pillar of strength for the past 6 years. I'm glad you are still willing to be that pillar of strength for me when I need you. Thank You. =)

And yes, I'm happy we are going through this together. I feel much better being able to once and for all let out my feelings, saying; "I LOVE YOU." hearing it from him was soothing too. For the last time, maybe.Only time will tell.

I hope that I will be strong mentally and emotionally to face this crisis in my life. I hope the same for him too.

Ya Allah, berilah kami petunjuk. Kuatkanlah semangat kami dan tabahkan la hati kami dalam menghadapi masalah kami ini. Amin.

Regu is doing ok now, needs lots of work to be done I should say. Timing, co-ordination and finalization of steps. 3 more weeks to IVP. Hopefully we can make the best out of it and bring back GOLD for Selatra this year. Insya'allah. Amin.

And yes, I lost weight again!!=) We made a bet. heheh. If he can make me lose weight to 50kg by IVP, I'll buy him jelly beans no matter the price *if I can afford what he wants la*.

Oooohh I hope I do lose weight to 50kg by IVP. For my health*asthma*, regu *need to wear tudong* and just for the sake of losing weight *I wanna look nice*. =)

So yeah, pray for me ya. 50kg here I come! =D heheh. Inysa'allah boleh. Amin.

Just[YOU&ME]

Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Pleasee...hurt me no more.

Having the one-to-one talk with you was a relieve. It did help in our communication but will it withstand for long? I'm happy we had the talk because I was finally able to let out to you how I felt and at the same time know how you felt about what was going on too... I thank you for willing to talk to me. I appreciate it. I really do.

But.....

why this now?A mistake and you claim of regrets? R u sure u regretted it? I can't sleep last night just pondering on things going through my mind. I think I just have too much on my mind that it's affecting my life.

Why do you have to do all this? What are you trying to prove? What do you get out of it? You claim it's never your intention to hurt me. But the fact is, you did. You hurt me badly deep. You are just so contradicting in your words.

For 2 months I've been trying to figure out but it seems I don't see you. I don't recognize you. Who are you? Where's the guy I used to know? Is it the real you now? If it is, I'm utterly disappointed.

Know why? It shows I don't you inside out even after close to 6 years...It hurts me seeing us in this state. Am I the cause of you acting like this? I'm trying so hard to forget you.

Time is all it takes; that's what people always say to me. but how long can I hold out? Frankly, you can always see me with a string front. but do you know, I'm not strong enough to face all this by myself.

Why is it so difficult? It came to me....our relationship was the first time I was ever so serious in a relationship. You are my first love. yes you are. You may say you care but words are just words.

I'm deeply hurt and affected emotionally and physically. I don't know how much longer can I stand all this.

I'm

slowly

breaking

down....

Just[YOU&ME]

Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Sorry.

Tuesday's sparring session was painful for me..hahah. i got kick on my back n punched on my face. Twice! hahah =) But it's ok la. well, it's part n parcel of sparring. haha. *mcm paham je aku ni* At least I got all my contacts in; my kicks n punches. Ok la for not participating in 'tanding' for a long time oredi...rite?hehe.

Anyways, lately I've not had good days going on for me..Lots of ups and downs faced. I'm lucky I have SBFF to talk to. Thank You my Dear. =D Yesterday was quite an awful day. Misunderstandings occurred. Damn! And today...Happy Mother's Day mum!Even though I enjoyed myself with my family, something bad had to happen. Not to me, but someone I care for.

And here I am pouring out my feelings to SBFF & Azmi.

I'm so sorry for being able to be there by your side at this time. I really am. How I wish I'm by your side because I know you really need me now....I'm such a bad friend ain't I? I'm so sorry my dear friend. Banyak bersabar ok? I will always pray for you. Please...If you need someone to turn to, I'm always here for you. =)

I just hope everything goes well tomorrow. Ya Allah, jauhi lah teman ku dari segala kesedihan dan kuatkan lah semangatnya untuk melalui masa2 sebigini. Amin.

P.S.

Just[YOU&ME]

Monday, May 4, 2009
A Fresh Start.

It's a new & fresh start for me now...It's been close to 2 months and I've been doing good, slowly taking my time to get over things because it's not as simple as it seems. I thank & appreciate my friends who have always been there for me with all the helpful advice and encouragement; thank you my friends! =)

Life is definitely filled with ups and downs. I'll just have to live it the way it is. Go with the flow..hahaha. Making choices on my own.

N oh ya, I just got to know recently that someone else has the same horoscope with me other than my twin. It's Su!!hahaha..got to know while buying bubble tea and the cover was the horoscope SCORPIO...=)

Went to Bugis with some Selatrans after training on Saturday..had my one n only meal for the day at Zam2 and yet I didn't finish it.haha. We headed to the new mall n the arcade looks fun, some different from the other arcades.

We tried catching a bucket of maltesers, spending only $6 for it..and guess what??we got it!!!the girls we were soo happy while the guys called us "freaks"...hahah. what do you expect of girls when it comes to chocolate? A bucket of maltesers mind you..a bucket! =D

Oh well, now I'm all lethargic with no sufficient rest from all the activities I've had. Back problems is occurring again and it hurts damn bad even when sleeping. gosh! I hope it goes away soon so I can train hard and go all out for upcoming training.

But still, I had long runs...hahah but urgh! I gotta lose weight...

Just[YOU&ME]